They Told Me I Was Too Much. It Turns Out, “Too Much” Was Exactly What My Purpose Required.

Have you been told that you’re too loud? Too sensitive? Too intense? Too stubborn? Too ambitious? Too emotional? Too strong? Maybe you’ve been told that you’re too quiet. Too wimpy. Too weak. Unfeeling. Uncaring. Or you’ve heard that you’re too fat, too skinny, too dumb, too … fill in the blank on whatever ugly words that have been directed at you. But wait, stop, don’t. These kinds of words stick with us. They weigh down our hearts. They lead us to think all of our flaws, which always leads to a feeling of not being enough. Most of us can easily list all the things that are wrong with us, but we have to stop and think about everything that’s right with us. Criticism, well meaning or not, makes us question ourselves, our worth, our value, our significance, our meaning, and sometimes why we’re even here. At least it did for me. We respond in various ways. The more confident among us, blow off these criticisms and keep going. But if you’re like me, you think about it. You absorb it. After all, you’ve heard it before—it must be true. You’ve been asked, “what’s wrong with you?” But you really don’t have an answer. Inside you think, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” while silently agreeing that you are deeply flawed. Have you ever tried to change the things people criticized about you? I spent the first half of my life trying to be different than who I was—less loud, less intense, less strong-willed, less enthusiastic, less of a dreamer of big things. Less of someone who makes stupid jokes that seem to only be funny to me. Basically, I tried to be less me. I tried to change the things that people criticized. The frustrating part was that it’s really exhausting to try to be someone you’re not. You can only do it for so long until a time when you’re tired, not feeling well or generally irritable and your true personality starts showing through the facade. When that happens, people criticize you for being a fake, phony imposter. The bottom line is that you can try all you want to avoid criticism, but—please listen and take this in—there will always be someone who criticizes you. No matter what you do. So you might as well go ahead and be YOU. YOU ARE THE WAY YOU ARE FOR A PURPOSE When I started my business, I was working 60-80 hours a week. I was building the airplane while trying to fly it. And it was intense. All of my energy was going into my work. I literally didn’t have anything left at the end of those very long days. I didn’t have the energy to be someone I was not. In that first year of business, as I was learning by doing all the things that I had no experience or education in, I realized that the characteristics I had tried to eliminate were exactly what I needed! I’m tenacious. I just can’t give up and walk away on something I feel strongly about. I had been called “a dog with a bone” who just won’t let things go. It turns out that if I had been someone who just let go when things got tough, I never would have successfully taken my business nationwide. I’m loud. I’ve always had a hearing deficiency, so for most of my life, I didn’t realize I was louder than others. I was harshly disciplined when I was 4 years old for being too loud. Teachers, co-workers, neighbors and people at church had all asked me to turn down my volume. But when I spoke to groups of people about managing risk (the business I was in), my booming voice was handy when the microphone quit working. I’m strong, which is often clocked as overbearing. It turns out that a strong personality is exactly what was needed to advocate with legislators for children who have no voice, no vote and little power to protect themselves. I’ve been called demanding. I didn’t realize until I became an employer that everyone didn’t have my high standards for integrity, work ethic, and resourcefulness. The work of managing risk in child welfare organizations required those things. Anything less could jeopardize the safety of children. Eventually I realized that the character and personality traits that I spent years trying to tone down were the very things that equipped me fulfill my purpose. So what about you? Have you’ve been called too sensitive. Could that be empathy? Maybe you’ve been called stubborn. What if that’s perseverance? Maybe you’ve been criticized for being quiet. Are you the one who notices things that others miss? Maybe you’ve been called intense. Could that mean that you care deeply? Maybe you have been criticized for questioning everything. Are you the person willing to challenge something that others have accepted without question. This doesn’t mean that character or personality weaknesses can all be called strengths. Some attitudes need adjustment. Some behaviors need to be eliminated or adjusted. We are the best versions of ourselves when we grow in love, wisdom, humility, patience, generosity, kindness and self-control. We are at our best when we’re using our character and personality traits, talents, and abilities to help others. Let’s be careful not to confuse strengthening a weak area and trying to change the things that make you uniquely you. These may be the very things that equip and qualify you to fulfill your purpose. I’m not for everybody. Neither are you. And there is tremendous freedom in accepting that. The people who are right for you will not merely tolerate the best parts of who you are. They will understand, value and cherish them. So perhaps the question isn’t: “What’s wrong with me?” Perhaps it’s: “How can I use my uniqueness for good?” Purposeful Practice Examine what you’ve been criticized for. Be willing to grow. Listen when trustworthy people tell you how your behavior affects them. Then look at the other side of the coin. Ask yourself: What does this characteristic look like when it is disciplined by wisdom, directed by love and used for something bigger than me? Maybe you’re not supposed to become less. Maybe you’re supposed to discover that the person God created you to be is exactly what’s needed to do the things about which you’re passionate or to help improve the things that grieve your heart. Who you truly are is exactly what your purpose requires. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit rhondasciortino.substack.com