In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast

Around 20 to 30% of women struggle to orgasm during partnered sex. And while there are plenty of reasons that get talked about — relationship issues, technique, and types of sex — they don't necessarily explain why it's so inconsistent. Why sometimes you can come, sometimes you can't, and you can't for the life of you find the pattern. This week, I dig into a recent study that points to a factor most of us are barely looking at — and it might just be the missing piece. We explore: Why coming during partnered sex can be so inconsistent — and what the latest research can tell us about it The surprising difference between inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive ADHD when it comes to orgasmic consistency Why orgasm requires sustained attention, and how our culture trains us out of the exact thing sex needs us to do The link between neurodivergence and kink — and what it tells us about staying present during sex Concrete, science-backed ways to increase orgasm consistency during sex with a partner, ADHD symptoms or not Timestamps: 03:47 — What the research found about ADHD and orgasms 06:07 — Why your ADHD subtype matters for coming 08:43 — Why presence during sex is so hard 14:14 — How shame carries into the bedroom 16:55 — Practical ways to stay present during sex 17:46 — The surprising link between ADHD and kink The study in this episode: Exploring Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Symptomatology in Relation to Women's Orgasmic Consistency Published in the Journal of Sex Research by Jensen-Fogt and Pedersen. Interested in my services? Check them out here Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

When couples have been together for years, boredom can start to feel like something you have to accept. You love each other, but somewhere along the way, you start wondering whether the spark left because your partner became boring — or because the relationship did. In this episode, I dig into a study on self-expansion that offers a solution to that bordeom: curiosty. And the longer you've been together, the more important it may be to keep creating moments where you get to experience each other in new ways. We explore: Why knowing your partner so well can sometimes get in the way of wanting them Why trying to recreate the honeymoon phase usually doesn't work — and what to do instead How self-expanding activities can support desire and satisfaction in long-term relationships What “doing something new together” can actually look like without grand gestures, weekends away, or turning your life upside down The catch: why one interesting date night won't carry your desire for months, and what long-term desire requires over time Timestamps: 02:14 — What the research found 05:54 — Why curiosity matters in long-term relationships 08:44 — Novelty beyond sex and techniques 14:16 — Why this matters more in longer relationships 19:49 — Small ways to bring aliveness back The study in this episode: Broadening Your Horizons: Self-Expanding Activities Promote Desire and Satisfaction in Established Romantic Relationships Published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Muise, Harasymchuk, Day, Bacev-Giles, Gere, and Impett. Interested in my services? Check them out here Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

This week's episode is a little different. I sat down with my cousin — Dr. Chloe Vites, a GP (doctor) based in the UK — and let her ask me all the questions people usually ask me at parties, on flights, and in the DMs. Things like: Why I became a sex therapist. What I actually do in session. What it was really like filming Married at First Sight: Sweden. And the things I wish couples knew before it's too late. In this episode, we explore: The moment at 17 that made me decide this was going to be my career Why I chose to specialise in low desire — and what most people get wrong about who actually struggles with low libido What it was really like filming Married at First Sight: Sweden (GIft vid första ögonkastet) as one of three experts, and the parts that surprised me most The biggest myth about desire — and why the most common assumption keeps couples stuck for years What I wish couples in crisis knew (and why I really wish they wouldn't) How I talk to my own kids about sex — and important steps not to skip The hardest part of my work — and it isn't the topics you'd expect 01:16 — Why I became a sex therapist 03:51 — Specialising in low desire 06:28 — What sex therapy is really like 08:31 — Filming Married at First Sight Sweden (GVFÖ XL) 10:59 — The easiest & hardest parts of the job 15:59 — Being a female therapist with male clients 20:31 — How people react when they know my job (in dating & with acquaintances) 23:59 — The hardest conversation about sex for couples 28:02 — Talking to kids about sex (& how I talk to my own about it) 32:12 — What I used to believe about sex 33:30 — What people get wrong about desire 37:38 — MAFS Sweden & analysing people as an occupational hazard 40:41 — What I wish every couple knew Interested in my services? Check them out here Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

We've been taught that monogamy is the default because it's more satisfying, more "natural". But what if that's not actually what the research says? In this episode, I dig into a major new meta-analysis of 35 studies and nearly 25,000 people that compared relationship and sexual satisfaction across monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. The findings challenge a lot of what we've assumed — and what culture has been telling us for a very long time. If you've ever wondered whether opening up your relationship might fix a mismatched desire problem — I talk about why that question matters less than the reason you're asking it, from a sex-therapist lens. We explore: What a meta-analysis of nearly 25,000 people found about satisfaction in monogamous vs non-monogamous relationships The uncomfortable truth about why we elevate monogamy — and what it protects us from having to look at How non-monogamous individuals reported slightly higher trust, and what monogamous couples can learn from how non-monogamous relationships define boundaries When opening up a relationship can be running away from the problem — and how to tell the difference What actually predicts satisfaction in a long-term relationship Timestamps: 02:51 — Opening up as a fear response 03:49 — Main findings from the study 08:27 — Monogamy doesn’t guarantee safety 10:46 — Is it okay to flirt & where does the line go? 14:59 — Why opening up may not solve the real issue 17:48 — What predicts relationship satisfaction The study in this episode: Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation. Published in The Journal of Sex Research in 2025. Interested in my services? Check them out here Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

A listener wrote in describing herself as a "well-scraped peanut butter jar" — nothing left to give sexually, and tired of trying. She'd had sex four days a week, spent evenings cuddling and massaging, and offered every kind of intimacy she could think of. Yet every week still brought sulking, silent treatment, and rejection tears. After two months of no sex, the pressure finally stopped — so she asked me: why would I ever go back? In this episode, I unpack what that relief is really telling us — and where to go from here. We explore: Why the relief of not having sex is usually relief from the pressure surrounding sex — and why that distinction is important How sulking, silent treatment, and emotional withdrawal are all examples of unhealthy relationship communication behaviours, and how they can make it impossible to say yes to sex freely What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved and important — and how that puts unsustainable pressure on the other person The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, including when sex became this loaded and what the relationship looks like outside the bedroom What happens when sex becomes a partner's primary way of feeling loved — and the pressure that puts on the other partner The questions I'd ask if I were working with this couple, and why I wouldn't start with "how to get you to want more sex" Timestamps: 01:46 – The Listener's Question 02:24 – Why You're Depleted (And Why That Makes Sense) 04:18 – "Why Would I Ever Go Back?" — The Real Question 05:20 – The Relief Isn't About Sex — It's About Pressure 06:12 – What the Absence of Fighting Really Means 07:50 – Understanding the Behaviours: Sulking, Stonewalling & Withdrawal 10:19 – The Gottman Four Horsemen & Sexual Rejection 13:04 – Why "Just Try Harder" Fails the Low-Desire Partner 14:21 – What I Would Do If I Were Your Sex Therapist 17:41 – The Key Question: Do You Want to Want Sex Again? 18:59 – The Path Forward: Removing Pressure Before Rebuilding 22:58 – Summary & Takeaways 26:09 – Outro & Working with me Interested in my services? Check them out here Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here. Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link