Two Dicks in a Bar

Amazing Spider-Man hits issue 1000 at $9.99 a copy after launching at 12 cents, and somebody at the table still can't understand how there could be a thousand of them. Also: a fight over which emotion powers the Green Lantern, a limited-run putter made from recycled Crocs and stamped with a raccoon named Jimothy, and a shot so cloudy it got compared to alien jizz.

Somebody rips the stall door off the bar bathroom and blames a bald guy from Georgia who never existed, which leaves the one-armed ex-cook as the only other suspect. Also: a live on-air Google confirms the full bush is officially back, and a tramp stamp that supposedly predates the term.

A Sandra Bullock/Nicole Kidman/Tom Cruise height-guessing game turns into an actual Google competition, and Tom Cruise still comes up short. That segues into a Practical Magic sequel review 28 years in the making, which mostly involves someone's mom threatening to walk out. Then it's a full-blown DC multiverse lecture — Flashpoint Paradox, evil Martha Wayne, the whole thing — that nobody asked for but everybody stayed for.

Fantasy football draft recap turns into a public shaming when someone admits his bedroom superpower is "being a good listener" and gets docked 52 points on the spot. Also: a door hinge finally gets fixed after nearly taking someone out, a bathroom sink that just won't turn off, and a long, confused conversation about a niece's TikTok candy-bucket career that nobody at the table can explain.

Somebody decides they’re now watching every movie in Chinese subtitles from here on, right after explaining why porn is better with captions. Also: a stolen trailer gets guiltily returned two hours later, a debate over whether lap dances improve when the stripper’s crying, and a full apocalypse survival plan that ends with eating the dog.